Friday 5 November 2010

The 100 Worst Films of All Time: Part 3

And the penultimate chunk begins...

50. Grease 2 (1982)
Dir: Patricia Birch
Cast: Didi Conn, Michelle Pfeiffer, Maxwell Caulfield, Lorna Luft, Adrian Zmed.
Genre: Comedy/Drama/Musical/Romance
Why: How do you follow one of the greatest musicals of all time? You repeat the story in almost exactly the same way with less charming actors and some faux emotion and styling, and complete ruin the reputation of the original. It's almost bad enough that the third Grease film became High School Musical, but when you factor in this crime against cinema, that film almost seems competent.
Watch Instead: Grease (1978)

49. The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
Dir: Ron Underwood
Cast: Eddie Murphy, Randy Quaid, Rosario Dawson, Joe Pantoliano, John Cleese.
Genre: Action/Comedy/Science Fiction
Why: A film that was so bad, even it's stars have mocked it in the press; this film is an unfunny, uninventive and unoriginal piece of filmmaking that serves only to continue the downward spiral of Eddie Murphy's career as a comedy genius. Fuck it up it's ass!
Watch Instead: Return of the Jedi (1983)



48. Saw IV (2007)
Dir: Darren Lynn Bousman
Cast: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, Betsy Russell, Shawnee Smith.
Genre: Crime/Horror/Thriller
Why: The Saw franchise was dead long before the release of the fourth shit-pile, but this served as something of an improvement over the previous film. The fact that the series, even during it's excessively dumb self-explanations, treats it's fanbase like morons only makes it more insulting. The only positive? It isn't Saw III, V, VI or 3D.
Watch Instead: Rambo (2008)



47. I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
Dir: Chris Sivertson
Cast: Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neal McDonough, Brian Geraghty.
Genre: Crime/Mystery/Thriller
Why: The current holder of the most Golden Raspberry Awards for worst filmmaking, this movie thinks it's amazingly clever and original, but it becomes clear within the first ten minutes that it is neither. Monotonous trash and hammy acting provide some of the lowest points in this abysmal shit-fest.
Watch Instead: Candyman (1992)



46. Date Movie (2006)
Dir: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Alyson Hannigan, Adam Campbell, Sophie Monk, Eddie Griffin, Jennifer Coolidge.
Genre: Comedy/Romance
Why: This is the film that started it. The dark reign of Friedberg and Seltzer begins in this steaming pile of horseshit, and while it's probably their best work to date, it is still one of the most abysmally bad films ever made. Fuck it and the shit it created.
Watch Instead: Love Actually (2003)



45. Bratz: The Movie (2007)
Dir: Sean McNamara
Cast: Nathalia Ramos, Skyler Shaye, Janel Parrish, Logan Browning, Chelsea Staub.
Genre: Comedy/Family/Music
Why: A sickening film that tries to teach pre-teen girls the one lesson they need to know in life - how to be nasty little sluts. That's the only thing this film tries to do, and it's insulting. I don't care how you try to justify it, if you like this film and it's portrayal of women as dumb-ass whores, then fuck you - you are the scum of the earth.
Watch Instead: Gone with the Wind (1939)

44. Catwoman (2004)
Dir: Pitof
Cast: Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone, Lambert Wilson, Frances Conroy.
Genre: Action/Crime/Fantasy
Why: Halle Berry is an okay actress; she won an Oscar for her best performance, but this film almost justifies the request that she should give it back. This is one of the worst representations of a well-known character ever presented on film. It is an insult to the character, the comic book and the creators.
Watch Instead: Batman Returns (1992)



43. Showgirls (1995)
Dir: Paul Verhoeven
Cast: Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle MacLachlan, Gina Gershon, Alan Rachins, Gina Ravera.
Genre: Drama
Why: One of the worst exploitation films ever made (and there are more to come on this list), this film is a woefully unattractive portrayal of women and relationships, as well as Las Vegas and females in general. Fuck this blatant rip-off of an American classic (see below). Fuck every single minute of it.
Watch Instead: All About Eve (1950)

42. Superhero Movie (2008)
Dir: Craig Mazin
Cast: Drake Bell, Leslie Nielsen, Pamela Anderson, Regina Hall, Kevin Hart.
Genre: Action/Comedy/Fantasy/Science Fiction
Why: The Scary Movie guys' answer to the Friedberg and Seltzer crap-fests didn't fare much better, and when you consider that the Scary Movie guys are responsible for Friedberg and Seltzer in the first place, it's hardly surprising this is a steaming pile of donkey shit.
Watch Instead: Pineapple Express (2008)



41. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Dir: Michael Bay
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, John Turturro, Peter Cullen, Hugo Weaving.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: Honestly, the first hour of this film is fantastic, but that said, it's position in this list reflects just how awful the second hour and a half is, as well as why that completely destroys any credibility the first hour had. It wouldn't be so bad if the film didn't take itself so seriously, but it does. It doesn't realise how absolutely crap it is. And the writers wrote Star Trek, one of the best action films of the same year. How? Fuck this film. And fuck Michael Bay. The worst mainstream director of all time.
Watch Instead: Transformers: The Movie (1986)

40. Godzilla (1998)
Dir: Roland Emmerich
Cast: Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo, Hank Azaria.
Genre: Action/Horror/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: For a film that's calling it's Godzilla, this film does an extremely poor job of presenting the Japanese monster in any discernible way. It's not fun, it's not smart, it's just dumb faux horror done in a very poor disaster movie style. An insult to the original, and even the first batch of remakes.
Watch Instead: Cloverfield (2008)



39. Space Jam (1996)
Dir: Joe Pytka
Cast: Michael Jordan, Billy West, Wayne Knight, Danny DeVito, Bill Murray.
Genre: Adventure/Animation/Comedy/Family
Why: This is a 90-minute long remake of an advert. It has no humour at all, some really disturbing character models, and some of the worst acting in the history of cinema, as presented by Michael Jordan, who funnily enough can't act. An insult to the Looney Tunes, and the NBA.
Watch Instead: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)



38. Judge Dredd (1995)
Dir: Danny Cannon
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Diane Lane, Rob Schneider, Max von Sydow, Armand Assante.
Genre: Action/Crime/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: This is the kind of thing they should show to aspiring filmmakers at film school as the best example of how not to adapt one of the most beloved comic books of all time. 2000AD is fantastic. This is a festering pile of shit, made only worse by a plot that was taken from the book and brutally destroyed and turned into a nonsensical piece of trash. Fuck this film.
Watch Instead: The Running Man (1987)

37. Swept Away (2002)
Dir: Guy Ritchie
Cast: Madonna, Bruce Greenwood, Adriano Giannini, Elizabeth Banks, David Thornton.
Genre: Comedy/Romance
Why: Starring Madonna.
Watch Instead: Captain Corelli's Mandolin (2001)







36. The Cat in the Hat (2003)
Dir: Bo Welch
Cast: Mike Myers, Spencer Breslin, Dakota Fanning, Kelly Preston, Alec Baldwin.
Genre: Adventure/Comedy/Family/Fantasy
Why: One of the best children's stories of all time became one of the worst films of all time in 2003, when Mike Myers was cast in a role that didn't present him the opportunity to be vulgar and humorous. An unfunny reflection of how Hollywood is slowly dying.
Watch Instead: Home Alone (1990)



35. Steel (1997)
Dir: Kenneth Johnson
Cast: Shaquille O'Neal, Annabeth Gish, Judd Nelson, Richard Roundtree, Ray J.
Genre: Action/Crime/Fantasy
Why: A Superman comic spin-off starring a basketball star that was rushed because of his busy schedule and other commitments, combined with the fact that the source character had zero depth anyway. As a result you get a film that should feel like a Saturday morning cartoon, but is more akin to a Tuesday night sodomy session.
Watch Instead: Superman (1978)



34. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
Dir: Colin and Greg Strause
Cast: Steven Pasquale, Reiko Aylesworth, John Ortiz, Johnny Lewis.
Genre: Action/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: How do you top a steaming pile of crap like AvP? By curling out a dog turd of a follow-up with a non-cast and lots of eye-gougingly bad CGI to accompany it. There's no action here, just a series of scenes featuring bland, blurred commotion. Fuck this film, and it's negative impact on both franchises.
Watch Instead: Predators (2010)



33. Howard the Duck (1986)
Dir: William Huyck
Cast: Lea Thompson, Jeffrey Jones, David Paymer, Tim Robbins, Ed Gale.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Comedy/Romance
Why: George Lucas made a bad film before the Star Wars prequels. This was it. Based on one of the most highly regarded cult comics, this was an insult to the source material, as well as being the second film to confuse and disgust us over Lea Thompson and sex, after the awesome Back to the Future. She goes from narrowly avoiding having sex with her future son, to narrowly avoid having sex with a duck. Fuck this film.
Watch Instead: Back to the Future (1985)


32. Aeon Flux (2005)
Dir: Karyn Kusama
Cast: Charlize Theron, Sophie Okonedo, Jonny Lee Miller, Frances McDormand.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Science Fiction
Why: This film is scarily similar to Ultraviolet. Almost identical. Only this had better source material. And this made Ultraviolet look like a fucking masterpiece in filmmaking. Fuck this film, fuck it's bad action and fuck it's defecation of the TV series.
Watch Instead: Serenity (2005)



31. Daddy Day Camp (2007)
Dir: Fred Savage
Cast: Cuba Gooding Jr, Richard Gant, Tamala Jones, Paul Rae, Molly Jepson.
Genre: Comedy/Family
Why: Not that the original was any good, but this sequel to an Eddie Murphy comedy was a humourless display of how not to make a sequel for moviegoing consumption. There are no laughs here, no memorable moments. In fact, it's just plain dull.
Watch Instead: Holes (2003)



30. Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Dir: Sam Raimi
Cast: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Hayden Church, Topher Grace.
Genre: Action/Drama/Fantasy/Thriller
Why: This film did to the Spider-Man franchise what Batman and Robin did to the Batman franchise. It killed it. The action was too sparse, the acting was stiff and awkward, the changes to the canon completely undermined the entire what had come before, and it destroyed the character of Venom. Fuck this film.
Watch Instead: Spider-Man 2 (2004)

29. Alone in the Dark (2005)
Dir: Uwe Boll
Cast: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Will Sanderson, Matthew Walker.
Genre: Action/Fantasy/Horror
Why: This was the first Uwe Boll film I ever watched. And it was abysmal. I had high hopes, given that the cast isn't terrible. But, as proved by the rest of the man's films, he takes okay-to-good casts and destroys them. This film tried to be tense, and failed. It tried to be smart and failed. It tried to be a film. And failed.
Watch Instead: Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)



28. The Hottie and the Nottie (2008)
Dir: Joshua Pierstorff
Cast: Paris Hilton, Joel Moore, Christine Lakin, Greg Wilson, Ron Brownlee.
Genre: Comedy/Romance
Why: Paris Hilton displays just what an ugly person she is in one of the worst comedies ever made. That's all I have to say. Other than fuck this film up it's ass.
Watch Instead: 500 Days of Summer (2009)







27. Saw V (2008)
Dir: David Hackl
Cast: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, Julie Benz, Betsy Russell.
Genre: Crime/Horror/Thriller
Why: You can instantly tell this film isn't going to be good. Not because it's Saw; it's obvious that it's going to be shit because of that. No, Tobin Bell is barely in it. And that hurts it more than anyone could have anticipated. On the plus side, this film feels like it has consequences. But don't worry, Saw VI will change that, and make this even worse than it already is. Not that it needs any help whatsoever. Because it's crap.
Watch Instead: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

26. Elektra (2005)
Dir: Rob Bowman
Cast: Jennifer Garner, Goran Visnijic, Kirsten Prout, Will Yun Lee, Terence Stamp.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy
Why: While the theatrical cut of Daredevil was very average, the director's cut proved to be one of the best representations of a Marvel comic book on screen. That said, the same cannot be likened to Elektra, which takes the character and completely rapes the idea of her until it becomes almost farcical. Add in some characters who are linked to Daredevil, not her, and you get an extremely bland, padded piece of film. It very nearly made the top 25 worst films of all time, but by my own grace, I needed to end this part with something I really hated. Which could have been any film on this list, to be honest.
Watch Instead: Daredevil: Director's Cut (2003)



Next Time: The 25 Worst Films of All Time

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